Jackass 2003
by Jemascola
Summary: A written version of the Jackass parody my friends and I videotaped in October 2003.
1. Chapter 1

**Jackass 2003**

_**By Joe**_

**Summary:** A written-version of the _Jackass_ parody my friends and I videotaped in October 2003.

**Chapter 1**

The date was October 13, 2003. I had come home from school, and I was walking toward the house next door, which was under construction. I had my outdated Sears full VHS videocamera (it was the only other camera that my parents let me keep as my own), and since no construction workers were present, I had the house to myself so I could videotape it. After all, I loved to videotape houses.

It just so happens that I saw my friends, Lance and Joseph. Joseph called me over, "Hey, Joey, bring that videocamera over here." That spoiled my plans for filming the inside of the house, but I agreed, seeing as though it would be fun to hang out with Lance and Joseph.

Lance and I had been friends since 1995, and we always had lots of great adventures together. He was tall and lean and had shaggy brown hair and brown eyes. He lived just down the street, so it was convenient for us to hang out. Meanwhile, Joseph was the new kid in the neighborhood. He also lived down the street, only in the opposite direction from Lance. He was somewhat short and had a wide, solid build. Since I met him when school just began, I barely knew him and wanted to hang out with him more to know him better.

"Hey Lance, hey Joseph," I said. "What do you want?"

"Joey, turn that videocamera on. We want to film some stunts," said Joseph.

"Cool," I said, turning on my videocamera. The first shot was of Lance walking in the open garage under construction. "Hey, Lance, what's up?" my first words on tape said. I swung over to see Joseph gliding closer on his bike. He shouted something incoherent, and then I pointed my camera at the ground, where his white dog ran toward me. I shut off the camera because the battery had died already. "Excuse me, guys," I said, "Let me go over to my house and get my AC adapter. Lance, watch my camera for me," I said. I hurried off to my house.

Meanwhile, Joseph took some scraps of plywood and 2x4s to make a crude bike ramp. "Hey, Lance, watch this," said Joseph, as he hopped on his bike and revved up on the bike ramp, soaring up.

"Wow, that's awesome, dude!" exclaimed Lance. Joseph's bike hit the ground, and Joseph got off. "Too bad Joey wasn't here to film it."

I then came back a minute later to find Joseph attempting the same stunt I'd missed. Unfortunately, he couldn't get it right. I attached the AC adapter, sliding off the battery. "What are you doing?" I asked Joseph.

"Trying to jump off this bike ramp I made," said Joseph.

Lance turned to me and said, "He jumped off real well before you came."

"Why didn't you film it?" I asked.

"Because you weren't here," explained Lance.

I shrugged and plugged the AC adapter into an extension cord the construction workers left (I would be using this extension cord quite a lot later). "Okay, guys, let's film some stunts!" I said.

"Okay, first, we'll film Joseph getting shaken in a porta-potty," Lance laughed.

"What? No way, man!" exclaimed Joseph.

"Don't worry, dude, it'll be fake," Lance said.

The three of us walked to a porta-potty left by the construction workers. I filmed the inside of it. "This, right here, is the porta-potty," said Joseph.

"Yeah, okay, we get it," I said, backing out, filming Joseph getting in.

"…with crap inside!" he added.

"Yeah, we get it, fine, great…" I said. Joseph shut the door, and I turned off the camera, only to accidentally turn it on again, showing Joseph exiting the bathroom. "Cut!" I yelled. "Joseph, we'll have to restart this, I screwed up on the filming," I said, turning off the camera. Joseph and Lance agreed, and I filmed Joseph entering the bathroom and shut it off when he left. Then, Joseph got behind me, and Lance approached the porta-potty.

Joseph made screaming sounds from behind me while Lance shook the empty porta-potty. "Aah! Ahh ahh!" wailed Joseph. We made it seem like he were inside. Then, I turned the camera off, and Lance stopped shaking the porta-potty. We had Joseph go back inside and come back out when I began filming. "Oh…man…that's sick!" he moaned as he exited the porta-potty. I laughed my butt off. "Man, when do we get to watch this?" Joseph asked.

"How 'bout now?" I asked.

"Aight," Joseph said. He walked off a bit.

"Ha ha ha, see you, sap!" I exclaimed.

I stopped recording and rewound the tape and adjusted the viewfinder so the three of us could watch the video. Since I didn't bring any earphones, there was no sound, but we did get to watch the video, which we all laughed at. "Come on, guys, what do we do now?" Lance asked as I shut off the camcorder.

"Why don't we do a stunt where I jump off the second floor?" I suggested.

Lance and Joseph looked at each other and howled in laughter. "Sounds good, Joey," said Joseph. "Let's do it!" The three of us entered the house and went to an opening, which was supposed to lead to a deck, although the deck had not been constructed yet. For the time being, there was just open space. (Note: There were two identical open doorways, but they're opposite of each other. The place where I attempted this next stunt will be called Point A, and the point across will be Point B.) I gave my camera to Joseph and told him how to operate it. I got within camera-shot, and Joseph started filming. "And this…is Joey," said Joseph.

"Hey, guys, what's up?" I said, playing with my hands, fingers, and arms in an idiotic way.

Joseph turned to the opening that led outside. "And Joey is going to jump off the building," said Joseph. He cut the camera off, only to quickly turn it on, focusing on me. "Ready?" he asked. I nodded and started running. "Here we go…" Joseph said.

"Ahh Ahh!" I yelled, and began to slow down at the edge. Joseph turned off the camera. I quickly ran down the basement stairs and got on the ground in a position that made it look like I'd fallen. Joseph looked down and turned the camera on again. "Oh…oh…" I moaned. But then, Lance stepped by Joseph and threw down some ceiling shingles at me. "Agh! Damn it, Lance!" I yelled. Lance and Joseph cackled in laughter. Joseph turned off the camera, and I ran up the basement stairs to meet the guys again. "What do we do now?" I asked.

"Dunno," Joseph said.

"Hey, let's go outside," Lance suggested.

"All right," I said, taking the camera from Joseph.

The three of us went outside, and I turned my camera on to film Lance and Joseph just milling around in the driveway. Lance held an empty milk jug but then dropped it. "Oh shit," he said.

Lance picked up the jug, and I used the zoom feature to zoom in on him. "Lance curses…again…" I said, zooming out. Lance gave Joseph a light punch on the shoulder, but then, Joseph gave Lance an even harder punch, causing Lance to let go of the milk jug and have it fly up in the air. The two instantly were instantly in a punching fit and eventually turned into a wrestling match. I stood by filming the whole thing and laughed my head off.

Joseph picked up the milk jug, about to hit Lance with it, when suddenly, Lance's mother pulled up to the driveway. I turned the camera to show Lance running up to his mother and talked to her. Apparently, he was in trouble for being late. I turned to Joseph. "Joseph, what do you have to say about this?" I asked. Joseph mumbled something, but I couldn't hear what he said. I turned off the camera and hurried home. Since Lance was about to leave, I figured the party was over for the day. I had to get home, too. I'd been gone an hour longer than my parents wanted me to be. Ironically, the entire recorded time on tape was only 3-½ minutes! I went next door to return home. What a fun after school activity we had!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Two days passed since our first recording session at the house under construction. But on October 15th, we decided to continue filming stunts since it was so fun the previous Monday. I went to my house and got my camcorder, again failing to tell my mother exactly how long I planned to stay over. The truth is, I did not know. We just went with the flow. When we all met at the house, I plugged my camera into the extension cord, only to find out that the camera would not power up. I tried to figure out what the problem was and eventually discovered that the extension cord had to be plugged into another exterior outlet that was put in place.

We were in the bathroom, and I filmed Joseph filling the shower spout with silicone. I gave a high-pitched giggle. Lance discovered that I was recording what Joseph was doing. "Man, turn the thing...!" Lance barked.

"Dumbass," Joseph grumbled, "turn that shit off." I obediently turned off the camera, but later turned it back on when Joseph was through with the silicone. "I know," Joseph said, "let's make a horror movie!"

"No, let's do some _Jackass_ stuff," Lance insisted.

"Yeah, _Jackass_ for now, horror stuff later," I agreed. The three of us left the bathroom and walked to an open doorway that led to Point B (if you forgot what Point A and Point B were, see Chapter 1). I shut off the camera and turned it on later to show Lance jumping up and down.

"Is it on?" Joseph asked me. "Are we recording?"

"Yes," I said.

"Got the microphone?" he asked.

"Yep," I said.

"'Sup," said Joseph. He walked up to the open doorway and pointed out. "I'm gonna climb across the building." I gave a high-pitched giggle. There was a board on the back of the house that Joseph could step on while climbing across. He was to climb from Point B to Point A. Unfortunately, the obstacle was the chimney. That made it much more challenging.

"If you don't make it, take…uh…I get your car…or…whatever," I said.

"Shut up!" Lance yelled playfully and gave me a light punch on the shoulder. We all laughed.

"Here I go!" exclaimed Joseph. He started to climb across the wall.

"He's doing it, he's doing it…oh he's doing it!" I said.

"Dude, shut up and film," Lance said to me. But that didn't last long. When Joseph reached the chimney, he had trouble making it across and exited through the convenient window. "What do we do now?" Lance asked.

"Beer bottles!" Joseph exclaimed. Lance and I looked at each other, unsure of what Joseph meant. The next thing we knew, we had beer bottles wrapped in aluminum that Lance and Joseph urinated in (I passed on that one). From Point B, we threw one out, only to have it disappear and fail to shatter. We found some more and went to Point A. Joseph threw a bottle out toward the driveway, but it didn't shatter. Lance went off to retrieve the bottle.

"Lance…is the Joseph's dog…" I said, trying to find the correct wording. I swung the camera to Joseph. "Joseph! What do you have to say about this?" I asked.

"I'd do it again," Joseph said.

I laughed. "This is going on your permanent record!" I teased. Then, I heard Lance's footsteps come up the basement stairs, and I focused on the stairs. "Lance is running as fast as he can on those little tiny legs of his!" (Lance doesn't really have little tiny legs, I just said that because sometimes I say the most random things.) "And he's coming up, and ooh, it looks like he has the bottle of uh…"

Joseph interrupted me by saying, "Got the bottle of piss?" He took it, and I filmed him taking the bottle and throwing it out the window. We cheered as we saw the bottle hit a cardboard sheet and urine ooze out. I turned off the camera.

After throwing the bottles of urine, we decided to resume Joseph's attempt to cross the house…only this time we would do it from Point A to Point B. We gathered some rope and other things to make a harness. But before that, Joseph boasted about his penis. "My penis is 5 inches long," he boasted.

"Man, no way your dick is 5 inches!" snapped Lance.

"Oh yeah, well how long is yours?" Joseph challenged.

"Never measured it," Lance said.

"What about yours, Joey?" he asked.

"I never measured it," I said.

"Y'all are wusses," Joseph said. He pulled down his pants, revealing his penis.

"Joseph, hide that thing!" I exclaimed. Joseph pulled his pants up again and sat down on the edge of Point A to work on the harness for the stunt. I turned the camera on again. "Joseph…after flashing…is about to attempt crossing the building again."

"Dude, let me film," Lance said. I turned off the camera to Lance and went to the ground level outside where I could help narrate. Lance turned the camera on.

On ground level, I announced, "Welcome back. Joseph is about to cross the building again. Joseph, any words?" I asked.

"Help me," he said in a pitiful voice.

"Ha ha, what a baby!" I joked. "Anyway, watching. We're watching." Joseph started to cross the house. "Oh, he's so brave!" I said, breaking into laughter.

"Shut up, Joey," Lance said. He was silent for a few minutes as he watched Joseph try unsuccessfully to get onto the chimney. Joseph then went for the nearest window again. "What the hell is he doing?" Lance asked.

"It's too tricky," Joseph said, entering. Lance turned off the camera. I went up and got the camera. I went back downstairs to film from another angle.

"Hey, I've got an idea," Lance. Joseph and I looked at Lance. The three of us went to ground level and tied the harness (which basically consisted of a very thin rope tied around Joseph) to Joseph. Then, Lance went back upstairs. Joseph threw him the string to the harness. Basically, the idea was for Lance to hoist Joseph up and support him. But it obviously wouldn't work since the rope was so thin (and Joseph was fairly heavy, too, mind you). I turned the camera on.

"Lance, this isn't going to work," Joseph complained.

"Yes it will!" snapped Lance. Out of frustration, Joseph slipped off the harness and grabbed a plastic cup. "Man, you aren't doing it right," Lance said.

"Joseph, what are you doing?" I asked him, seeing that he took the cup with him.

"I'm going to go in the porta-potty and shit in this cup. Don't film, aight?" Joseph said. I faded out. Then, Lance, Joseph, and I met at the driveway again after Joseph took a dump in the cup. I turned the camera on and burst into laughter and faded into the scene. I did everything I could to look inside the cup with the camera, but Joseph refused. "Don't film it!" he yelled.

"But I thought you wanted to film," I said.

"No, nooooo. Don't film the shit, man. Don't film it, don't film it!" Joseph said. Suddenly, I saw that the viewfinder went black and the camera stopped recording. What happened. I took the camera off my shoulder to see Joseph holding the AC adapter's cord. Apparently he'd unplugged it. "I said don't film it," Joseph said angrily. Since the camera was off, he let us look inside, and we were disgusted by what we saw. Joseph then threw the cup into a dirt mound, and we left the scene. I gathered my equipment and went home. Again, I was late, and my mother wasn't anything short of upset. But, one good thing, though, was that I had another fun afternoon.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

We had so much fun doing _Jackass_ stunts that we decided to continue them for a third day – on October 16th, the very next day. Only this time, the format changed slightly, as we had a new cast member – Thomas. Thomas was an African-American, who was also a long-time friend of Lance. He did not show up in the other videos, but he agreed to be in the one we shot on October 16th.

After school, I went home, got my camera, and when the gang was all present and ready to roll, I began filming. This time, I used a plug-in microphone with my camera instead of the built-in one I used previously. I thought that the sound quality would be better, but it turned out to be worse and more frustrating to use, so I later switched to the built-in microphone on the same day.

Thomas held the microphone. "This is Thomas, and welcome to _Jackass_. I turned left to show Joseph, who had some plastic tie around his arm. "And this is Joseph. Joseph." He looked at the plastic tie around Joseph's arm. "Dumbass," he snorted. "And this is Lance," Thomas said, pointing to Lance offscreen. I turned the camera to show Lance. I then turned back to Thomas and Joseph. "Ha ha, cool, guys," Thomas said. I took the camera and put it in my face.

"And me!" I said, wanting to introduce myself on camera.

I put it back on my shoulder and focused on Thomas. "And today, we're gonna do some pretty bad shit," Thomas said. Joseph held a board in the background and hit Thomas on the butt with it. "Get off my ass!" Thomas snapped at Joseph. We all burst into laughter.

I turned off the camera and switched microphones. Then, we filmed a scene where Lance pretended to drink out of the porta-potty. I filmed Lance make his approach to the porta-potty. Joseph did his, "Wow-wow-wow-wow-wow…" sound effect in the background, indicating possible danger. Lance turned around. "Someone have this door open for me," Lance said.

There was silence for a while. "That would be you guys," I said to Thomas and Joseph. They still weren't paying attention. Finally, I turned the camera to face them and get their attention. Thomas was just sitting there, and Joseph was still trying to get that plastic tie off his arm.

"This lubricant ain't working," Joseph said, "I can't get it off."

"Thomas…Joseph?" I said to them.

"I'll do it, man," Thomas said, getting up to hold the door open for Lance. When he did, Lance bent down and pretended to drink out of the porta-potty. Thomas grinned at the camera, and I zoomed in. Then, Lance got out and left the porta-potty. Thomas shut the door to the porta-potty.

"That stuff's good, man," Lance smiled. "Cut," he said to me.

"…and that was take who knows what?" I said. I shut off the camera. "Hey, guys, let's bury me in rocks next!" I said. Everyone seemed eager to do that, and I followed Joseph and Thomas to a pile of rocks that was already present. The three of us stood on the rock pile. Lance turned off the camera.

"Here is Joey," Joseph said.

"Hey, guys," I said to the camera, flailing my arms.

"And…we're going to bury him in rocks," Joseph said.

I jumped up and down. "All right, bury me in rocks!" I said, lying down. "My dream's come true!"

"What a dumbass," Lance said to himself. He focused momentarily on Joseph's white dog, but quickly focused back on the rock stunt. Joseph was throwing rocks at my balls, which wasn't too pleasant to say the least. Despite that, we did not succeed in burying me in rocks.

"This is taking too long," Thomas said. "'Ey, yo, Lance, turn the camera off and help us out!" Thomas called.

"We'll be back!" Lance said, turning off the camera. We spent the next five minutes trying to make a deep hole for me to be buried in, but all we had to work with was plywood boards, which did not work well. We gave up on that and decided for the next biggest move – hanging out on the roof! I filmed Lance and Joseph up there, being jackasses. I wanted Thomas to film me, so he did.

"Hey, everybody. I'm Joey, and there," I said, pointing up at the roof, "are the losers of the future! Look up," I said to Thomas. Thomas focused on Joseph and Lance.

"Hey, Joey, how much do you bet I can make it to the top of the roof?" Joseph asked.

"A million bucks," I said.

"You ain't got a million bucks," Joseph said.

"Exactly," I pointed out.

There was silence for a moment. Then, Joseph said to Lance, "Bet you five-dollars I can make it to the top of that roof." Later, Thomas got tired of filming, and I took over. Thomas then started throwing bottles and trash up at the guys.

I spotted Lance. "Lance, what do you have to say?" I called to him.

"Fuck you!" Lance nearly shouted. I cackled in laughter, but then, Thomas shot a rock up on the roof. He looked down at Thomas and said, "Man, quit throwing rocks up here, dumbass!" I quickly turned my attention to Joseph, who was sitting on the tip of the roof.

"I did it!" he yelled. "I'm king of the hill!" he yelled. But then, he started to slide down the slope.

"Oh-no, he's falling, he's falling!" I exclaimed, but then got relieved when he stood up safely.

"I want to get down, I need a spotter," Joseph said.

"Joseph, can I be your spotter?" I called.

"No, let Thomas, he's stronger," Lance said.

"Stronger?" I snorted under my breath. I thought I was stronger, but perhaps not. "You sure?" I called.

"Yeah," Lance said, making it sound obvious.

"Hey, Thomas, get up here!" called Joseph. I turned the camera away from the roof and focused on Thomas, who grinned as he bounced up and down on a board that sloped from the edge of the porch to the ground. The board bounced with Thomas. There was nothing much else to film, so I decided to quit. I faded out.

We actually spent about an hour longer at the house than what was shown on tape. I just chose not to film the rest. Basically, the guys just hung out on the roof, and they tried to get me on the roof, too to film from up high, and I tried a few times, but I was too chicken to continue.

Afterward, we went over to Joseph's house, where we had a gathering with some of his older brothers. It was a fun day since we were all present…perhaps the most fun of them all. I was glad that I had participated in the _Jackass_ parody videos and watched them again and again from that point on.

**The End**


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